My uncle is dying of cancer. This fact should probably upset me more than it does, but I used to think he was just a big douchebag, so needless to say, we’ve never been that close. Now I just feel sorry for him.
I’ve known for a long time that he was neurotic and mean-spirited and obsessive compulsive, but I never truly felt sorry for him until the cancer spread throughout his entire body. Then he got nicer, and calmer, more peaceful. Which is, I suppose, where he’s at now, for however much longer, that is.
What’s really depressing is the toll it’s taking on the rest of my family. All of my mother’s siblings are essentially crazy, except for the woman herself, but it’s a quiet kind of crazy. A passive aggressive, Zoloft and alcoholism kind of crazy. I don’t think a single one of them (again, save for my mother) managed to deal with the deaths of their parents in a normal way. It’s as if they’re not allowed to grieve. Instead, we must push on as if nothing happened. It’s like the family motto.
A lot of my family members live in the same household, which makes life even more interesting.
So my uncle is dying of cancer. Thankfully, he does not live in the same house of dysfunction as the aforementioned family members, but he is most definitely dysfunctional. Obviously his journey towards death is bringing up the memory of my own grandparents drawn-out, ultimately fatal illnesses in the minds of my mother’s siblings, and of course my mother as well. But my mom is different. She’s stronger I guess. I can’t explain why, except that she chose to be different than them, she chose to work through it, explore herself and her feelings, and let it be okay. I just don’t know why that’s so hard to do.
Death happens, and we must accept it. I know it’s not easy; the thought of my own parents dying makes me feel sick inside, but what else can we do?
I feel guilty for wanting to avoid family-oriented stuff during this time. But being around them is difficult, most especially because of the things we don’t say, and the conversations we don’t have. But to bring up any subject that is “too real” or too honest would not be tolerated or welcomed, and being that I am merely the youthful, idealistic niece, I don’t think anyone would feel it was my place.
And plus, I don’t have the courage, because that territory is totally unknown to me.
It’s amazing that we all get along as well as we do. We celebrate holidays and birthdays with smiles on our faces, we make the requisite phone calls. We do it out of love, but it feels incomplete sometimes I guess.
My mother’s siblings really are good people. Generous, welcoming, kind, compassionate. But everything goes so much deeper than we realize. There are so many layers to a family, some you really, really don’t want to see.
Tags: cancer, depression, dysfunction, Family
